Dragon In You

I sat down. Close, but not too close to the front. Enough to see the eyeballs of the preacher, but far enough away that I could remain anonymous. Intently I listened as he spoke. Listening for the subtle brainwashing or corrupt biblical interpretations that my hyper vigilant mind demanded of me. Listening, praying, and hoping it would not be there. As I sat in suspense, something happened that should be normal for me now, but still always catches me off guard. Instead of finding the reason to run (that I have yet to find here) I noticed myself narrow in on a question he asks that I too, have been deeply engrossed in for weeks. Spending all my time researching in hopes to wrap my head around this question. “How do you feel knowing God loves you enemies?” The pastor spoke.  In my answer I have felt so alone. I have found myself on the outside looking in on dozens of conversations. Each one allowing more and more hurt into my heart. My answer, although it feeling self righteous i...

On July 31st 2025 my audiobook went live. I was so proud. I worked SO hard on it. Even after publishing my book, I thought I would be able to set it down but I wasn't finished yet. I had to finish it. Close the book on this that consumed me. But all this talk of endings, got me thinking of those beginnings.  All the moments I moved from pain to true self love. It had me wondering if instead of God waiting to give me things I've been praying for, I've actually been given the greatest gift. Time. Time to learn to trust that I AM a person who puts God first. That conviction for a good God was not something I had to convince myself of but a God I got to LOVE.  God showed me how to love myself, by loving me first. Until I understood and fully felt what that meant, I was pouring all my heartache and desperation into loving others and hoping my fogged up and fearful interpretation would be "good enough." So God gave me time, patience and loved me through the process of ...

Haven't we all said it at one point in time... I mean sometimes daily. "I just want to live my life" has been one of the most confusing statements for me. What is the balance of healthy boundaries and bat sh*t crazy? Why does it seem the bat sh*t tell you you're crazy and they are normal? And the real million dollar question... are they actually right? Why has my value always been in the hands of another? Who was it on the playground in first grade? What teacher gave me a side eye? And who told me to stop dancing? Most importantly, why did all these voices matter if God just asks us to aim partly at the dart board of ambiguous instruction, intermixed with what feeds our carnal and instant gratification....then hope for the best. That is after all how I lived almost all of my life. Thinking things would work out the way I wanted IF I did everything I possibly could to make that happen. Including loosing myself and becoming others personal saviors trying to convince peo...

 Sometime I wonder why I was given such an awful title. Widow. I wrestled not only with that title but the one of daughter, wife, friend. All these identities attached to me and yet I feel like oil and water. I don't fit any mold and yet I fit them all. A daughter does this, a friend does that. Well. A widow most certainly does not almost divorce her almost late husband. A widow does not battle with her inner voice that wanted autonomy from the person who hurt her when she also wants to be able to love and miss the man he was before he was lost to PTSD and Addiction.  A widow like me wonders if he was always lost though so if that's the case then he was never actually found, ever. To which that means she never knew him. So why did she categorize him as her best friend? A quick to judge person might judge that "best friend" comment as love bombing or Stockholm Syndrome. Someone who's heard me unload my heart of the devastations in our marriage and now I'm claim...

It has taken me decades to begin to understand boundaries. The phrase "protect your peace" has had a creeping dark shadow of fear of abandonment and also prevalent, shame for leaving. Many times on this journey of life have I felt the pulling of 'if only I had' or 'If only they had'. And I had found myself often in mental torment. With intrusive thoughts minute by minute trying to dissect every word, action, breath... To no avail. I have never been able to truly know what others are thinking. Even if honest in the moment, moments change people grow or change their minds. I know this because this is true for me. So how do we have faith and forge relationships when at the end of the day we only have ourselves? How do we put forth new content like blogs and books and reels when others have done it before? How do we find gumption and fervor in bones? How do I do things that are beyond my abilities and turn to my children and tell them to do the same? How do I act ...

I've spent much of my life reflecting. Usually in the form of either by whiplash into a moment I wasn't expecting, or in very sacred moments I start by anticipate days, weeks or months before an annual date presents itself to me. I'm here to tell you about one year ago, ten years ago, and... today. One year ago I sat broken hearted and shattered in my home. I had tried it the hard way for decades. Pulling strength I didn't have to barely make through the day. One year ago I wrote on my social media: "Do I eat chocolate or tell people it still hurts. Both. 9 years ago I married Michael. 6 years after that Micheal died. With 50,000 things in between. And I'm sure l've been judge for 50,000 of them. 2 years later I'm still searching for community and a place to feel at ease. I have not processed a lot of this. But my body is telling me I need to. So l'm sitting down. I'm pulling up a chair. And I'm offering to be seen. I am the bride in the pic...